Chosing to live in the light

On this blog I have been sharing my adventures in the wine world, and the last 3,5 years my discovery journey of the Champagne region. Organic and biodynamic wines and Champagne have come to feature more and more as time went on even if posts have been more and more sporadic.
Yes I could say it is because I am writing the Terroir Champagne Book, yet on this new moon in Cancer day I feel the time has come to out and be completely honest. I have written less because I have been on the sacred journey back to me. So if it is Champagne news you are looking for, you will not really find it in this post and may want to stop reading and come back next time.

Why today? Well the new moon is an excellent time to manifest a new beginning; maybe that is why I woke up with the desire to share my journey into the light. However the courage to write came after reading messages exuding love and light this morning. It made me realize there is nothing to fear and reminded me that the only person I really need to face is my higher self. So here we go:

I moved here just over 3,5 years ago, a little lost, not too sure why I really came, or what I would be doing here. But after a serious health scare in 2011, and seeing a few close friends battle cancer, I knew there had to be more to life than just running like crazy in the hamster wheel trying to win the rat race:-) I intrinsically was drawn to discover more about the terroir – not really a a popular notion in this region – and soaked up all the knowledge I could find. I was happy even if financially life was really hard.

Then about two years ago my life was thrown completely upside down when I fell in love. Originally I did not worry too much; after all I never stayed in love too long and had build up big walls up around my heart after I had broken up with my ex husband in 2006. Furthermore the love affair was completely surreal and definitely did not fit into the regular norms and expectations of society. But somehow none of this mattered when we were together. The relationship was at the same time very fusional yet it had all the freedom and autonomy I had always craved. We often said how similar we were and through all our differences it was as if we were a mirror image of each other – at least at soul level. But at that time I had no clue about soul relationships, even if I already very much lived in the present. We had quickly found out it was the only way things were going to work.

There were lots of ‘firsts’ in the 14 months we stayed together. First time I was insanely jealous – something I had never been before; first time I felt completely at ease with someone and loved just for me. First time I did not get bored just being together with him even if our day to day life was very mundane. First person I drank liters of coffees with and rebuild the world from the safety of our caffeine fueled (sometimes spiked with Champagne) bed. First time I really listened and took advice on topics where in theory I should have known a lot more. And lastly the first time I felt really needy and felt like the world would end if I was to lose him. In the end this worried me so much that I wanted things to end just to get back to normality. And then the mirrors finally shattered with a big crash – I guess the intensity of the love affair and the way it would never really fit in so called regular standardized life had gotten to us.

Originally I felt some sense of relief. However the ‘firsts’ continued to happen. For a start me who had thought since my divorce that no matter what would happen to me I would be OK and happy, came to realize that even though I was OK I was beyond heartbroken and everything but happy. Yet it made no sense – on paper, in my mind and in the mind of most of my friends I should be much better off without him. Another ‘first’ was the immediate void between us – no more contact at all – something which seemed even more surreal than the relationship had been. To make things worse he seemed to have moved on within 2 weeks with a girl who is my complete antipode. This made for another ‘first’- forgetting all my values and wanting to hurt the person I had so loved by going out with a friend of his.

However nothing really helped as the more I tried to forget and move on the stronger the feeling grew that this was not finished – and maybe never would be. I thus discovered another first – maybe the most important of all – what it meant to love unconditionally.

As things became darker and darker in my world, a few positives emerged. The first one was I finally defined my mission in Champagne and decided to take the plunge to try and auto-publish my Terroir Champagne Project.
The second came in the form of spiritual awakening – even if this meant going through the dark night of the soul to start of with. I had been pretty confident that writing my book and embarking on a spiritual journey would keep me busy enough to forget what I had lived and ‘move on’.

But try as I could nothing would erase this crazy love affair. In an effort to ban emotion with reason I started some online research, which took me down a road I really did not want to go on as I found out about Twin Flames. It is one thing to theorize about the concept of two parts of the same soul as Plato did in his Symposium, it is another one accepting this may be what one is living. So I rebelled… But the universe has ways to make you face the thing you most want to forget, and is in fact a lot more powerful than we are. After a few months of trying to ignore the fact and living in limbo, I decided to accept my destiny and try and find out a bit more – if I am completely honest to maybe still find a loophole out.

I ended up in a FB group, where I very quickly met my lighthouse – Deane Thomas – a brother with almost the same life path as mine, living the same experience. However he had embraced the Twin Flame concept a little earlier than me, and shared his and others experiences with me. Together we grew at the speed of light; I benefited from other stories and people on a similar journey from all over the world with whom Deane was in contact. We discovered that what this was really about, was finding the road back to our higher self; to grow the unconditional love we felt for our beloved to eventually become love and light our self and help others.

Again Deane embraced this a more and actively set out to help others in the same situation. (more info on his website).
I on the other hand was more and more drawn to nature – I basically started to live outside, craving time in the woods as well as in my courtyard; I became even more obsessed with a sustainable way of living. Only this time it went a lot further than just growing grapes; this time it included everything to do with how we treat mother nature and each other. Why we ruthlessly walk all over nature’s beauty or feel the need to put other people down just to gain more wealth or feel more important; to satisfy our Ego’s never ending need for energy in whatever form it may come.

Then all at once the journey sped up so much it felt like I was going through the spin cycle in the washing machine. I realized that LOVE was the only way to solve energy issues and save Gaia. And this love started first and foremost with me. Cause only if we truly love our self can we really love others. So I started to solve all the unresolved issues in my life, clearing up karma and learning (sometimes painful) lesson after lesson. It was the only way to find my true self and for me to build a life full of love and light. I knew once I would get there, my beloved could follow in his own time for we are one and the same soul.

So I soldiered on and then all at once it happened – completely unexpectedly. A huge veil of peace, love and harmony fell over me. I never felt so safe and loved in my life – everything became a joy – even chores I really did not like. The never ending thought mill in my head completely stopped. In its place I now have amazement and awe at all the beauty this present moment has to offer. I have lost the notion of time – as the only time is this moment. And even when things don’t go exactly as I want or I get hurt, I find a way to release these negative emotions so I can let them go and focus on the next moment.

There are disadvantages – or what I used to see as such- that come with this new state of being. For to live in the light one has to let go of the darkness, one has to take complete responsibility of ones’s life. This means letting go of the little white lies, excuses or blaming of others. It also means one cannot but speak the truth, even if others may not want to hear it. In this last case it is best to wrap it up in love and light as speaking the truth does not mean willingly wanting to hurt someone. And lastly, and this is maybe the most difficult part, we have to say good bye to people who chose to remain in the velvety comforts of the darkness. This can hurt as some of these people have been in our lives for a long time. But by acknowledging all the goodness we have received from the relationship we can continue to send them love and light and hope that one day they too will go within to join us at a later time in the light.

To conclude I would like to add that light and dark are not synonyms for good and bad. Whatever path we chose will be good as it is we who have chosen it. But having lived in both worlds I can personally testify that the purity, joy and love of living in the light is the best thing I have ever experienced!! Once I got a taste of the light, through my beloved, I longed for more. Yes the road has been hard and sometimes treacherous but it has also been the most beautiful journey of my life!!! I am so glad that it is from this place of love and light that I will finish my Terroir Champagne Book!!
Namaste
Caro xox